Heihachi's Funeral
by Megami Chaos
Summary: Heihachi is finally dead! Let's see how the Tekken crew screws up the funeral. R&R and we'll do the same for your stories!
1. Default Chapter

HEIHACHI'S FUNERAL  
  
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Old man Heihachi was sleeping in the living room and Kazuya walked in.  
  
"You. Wake up!" Kazuya ordered, poking Heihachi. Heihachi didn't move. Jin entered the living room.  
  
"Dad...what are you doing?" Jin asked uninterestedly.  
  
"Trying to wake up the old fart." Kazuya said poking Heihachi some more. Jin rolled his eyes and sat on the couch opposite Heihachi, and started to read. The door slammed and Lee walked in.  
  
"What's your problem, fag?" Kazuya asked with a smirk.  
  
"Shut up. I had a bad day at work. What the hell are you doing?" Lee asked, dropping his briefcase on Heihachi's head.  
  
"The old geezer isn't waking up!" Kazuya said. Kazuya and Lee began poking and kicking Heihachi. Twenty minutes passed and Heihachi still didn't wake up. Jun came back from her grocery shopping.  
  
"Kazzy, Lee, Jinny. What are you boys up to?" Jun asked brightly.  
  
"Grandpa isn't waking up." Jin said, putting down his paper. Jun looked shocked.  
  
"Jinny, I think you should go up to your room. I'll call you later." Jun said. Jin looked confused but he went to his room. Jun quickly went to Heihachi and checked his pulse.  
  
"Heihachi's dead." Jun whispered sadly. Jun burst out crying while Kazuya and Lee pumped their fists in the air. Jin, who heard from upstairs, was screaming for joy.  
  
"This calls for a celebration! Lee, get out the most expensive champagne we have." Kazuya ordered gleefully. Jin came back downstairs as Lee went to find champagne.  
  
"The most wonderful news I have ever heard!" Jin exclaimed jumping for joy. Jun clenched her teeth.  
  
"KAZUYA, JIN, AND LEE. SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR THR DEAD!" Jun screamed. Kazuya, Lee and Jin stopped dead in their tracks.  
  
"Mom, do you realize what you just said? You want us to respect Heihachi? He threw his only son off a cliff, then a volcano. He shot his grandson in the head and disowned his adopted son. Aren't you even a little bit happy that he is dead?" Jin asked. Jun was quiet for a while. Suddenly a big smile came over her face.  
  
"Your right. Let's celebrate." Jun said opening the champagne bottle. Kazuya, Jin and Lee started cheering and dancing again. After they drank to Heihachi's death, they decided to round up the Tekken crew to spread the good news.  
  
[A while later, the Tekken crew arrives]  
  
"This better be good!" Bryan said, punching holes in the wall. Kazuya walked in to the room with a big smile on his face.  
  
"Everyone, I am pleased to tell you... HEIHACHI HAS FINALLY DIED!" Kazuya exclaimed, barely controlling his happiness. Most of the people in the room started cheering. Xiaoyu cried, Lei thought over the possibility of murder, and Bryan seemed completely unconcerned.  
  
"When's the party? I mean... the funeral?" Hwoarang said. Everyone went quiet.  
  
"I planned everything. The funeral is next week. I want all of you to come! After the funeral we will have a party." Jun said cheerfully. The Tekken crew went back to cheering.  
  
"Um... do we have to wear black and crap?" Anna asked, pointing to her red dress.  
  
"Yes." Jun said bluntly.  
  
"Which one of you killed him?" Lei asked pulling out a notepad.  
  
"Sit down, idiot! He died on his own!" Kazuya shook his head.  
  
"How long is this funeral?" Paul asked.  
  
"Short, so we can have a big party afterwards." Lee said. Everyone cheered again.  
  
"Is there free food?" Ganryu asked, munching on a drumstick.  
  
"Sure."  
  
"One more thing. It's an open-casket funeral. You get to walk by the body and punch it." Kazuya said with a smile. Everyone started to cheer some more.

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A/N: If we get reviews, we'll continue.


	2. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

THE FUNERAL

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"Heihachi was a good man, he was a great man, and he was a gentleman." Jun started. "Oh what the hell... Heihachi was an evil bastard that was involved in many scandals. He was perverted and insane. For God's sakes, he threw his son off a damn cliff! He even shot his grandson! Heihachi was a cruel and heartless man and he will NOT be missed. Thank god he is dead." Jun finished her eulogy and sat down.  
  
"Oook then. Jin stand up and say your shit." Kazuya said.  
  
"I would like to express my feelings towards my grandfather with this poem: I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" Jin finished his "poem" and sat down. Everyone looked at him strangely.  
  
"Great song, Kazama!" Hwoarang yelled out sarcastically. Julia hit Hwoarang over the head with her purse.  
  
"Alrighty then... your turn Lee." Kazuya said. Lee stood up solemnly.  
  
"When Heihachi adopted me, I thought he was the greatest person that ever lived. But then I learned how much of a jerk he really was. It was him that made the rumor that I was gay. That rumor ruined my life and continues to ruin it to this day." Lee turned to look at Kazuya who was yelling "FAG!" Lee continued. "I hate him and I wish that I never met him." Lee angrily sat down.  
  
"Ha, ha. Anyway, it's my turn. You all better shut up and if you speak I'll kill you." Kazuya said getting cue cards ready.  
  
"I hate Heihachi. I tried to kill him many times before but sadly the damn bastard kept on living. He made my life a living hell. And that's where he is going now. STRAIGHT TO HELL! The only thing that was good about that old man was that he had a lot of money." Kazuya suddenly stopped. "Wait a second... who is getting all his money?"  
  
"I should get it! He liked me more!" Lee said.  
  
"No he didn't! He obviously left me the money!" Jin said.  
  
"Both of you shut up! I'm the next in line to get the money." Kazuya said angrily. As, everyone was arguing about who would get Heihachi's money, a strange woman with yellow eyes walked in the room.  
  
"Actually, Heihachi promised me the money." The woman said. Everyone turned around to look at her.  
  
"And who the hell are you?" Julia asked.  
  
"My name is Unknown."  
  
"Oh, I remember you. You were in Tekken Tag right?" Xiaoyu asked.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why would Heihachi give you all the money?" Kazuya asked. Unknown pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Kazuya. Kazuya read it and turned pale.  
  
"What is it?" Lee asked. Kazuya handed the paper to Lee and he went pale too.  
  
"Oh." Lee said. Unknown took her paper back and sat down.  
  
"Continue your eulogy." Unknown said to Kazuya.  
  
"Eh... may he burn in hell forever. The end." Kazuya said sitting down. There was an uneasy silence. Finally Nina spoke up.  
  
"So... what do we do now?"  
  
"I don't care, really. I only came here for the dead body punching!" Steve exclaimed, pulling on his boxing gloves. Everyone cheered and got ready for some serious punching and in Hwoarang's case, kicking.  
  
"Settle down. We are going to do this alphabetically. Anna, you're up first. And remember! One hit only, those are the rules." Anna straightened out her revealing black dress and slapped Heihachi so hard that his cheekbones could have crumbled.  
  
"Wow..." Kazuya said rubbing his cheek. "Next is Bryan." Bryan laughed manically and pummeled Heihachi's face in. Kazuya had to pull Bryan off Heihachi.  
  
"I said only ONE hit! Anyway, Christie is next." Kazuya sighed. Christie did her satellite moon roundhouse on Heihachi.  
  
"That gotta hurt." Kazuya exclaimed. "Craig." Craig stumbled drunk-like to Heihachi and poked him.  
  
"Okay, that sucked. Get out of here!" Kazuya said, pointing to the door. A couple hours passed and almost everyone had their turn in hitting Heihachi.  
  
"Hey, I still didn't have my turn yet!" Kazuya smiled evilly. His arm started to glow and lightening sparks flew from it. With all the hate Kazuya had in his body, he punched Heihachi right in the chest. Heihachi's body flew in the air before landing again in the casket.  
  
"Holy shit." Hwoarang whispered. Everyone else was completely silent.  
  
"What is going on here? Why am I in this box? What's happening?" Heihachi exclaimed, climbing out of his casket. Everyone was shocked, some people passed out.  
  
"H-he's alive!" Jun stuttered.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kazuya, Jin and Lee yelled, dropping to their knees.  
  
"What? What are you talking about? When did I die? CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON?" Heihachi demanded.  
  
"Listen old man while I break it down fo' youse. We was all thinking you was dead-like and we was having dis funeral thang and all. Den Kazuya comes up and punches ya real hard. And I guess dat woke youse up." Yoshimitsu explained. Everyone was shocked once more. That was the most that the space ninja had ever said.  
  
"Why couldn't you just die? DAMN YOU OLD MAN!" Kazuya yelled.  
  
"He's alive, not possible! The dead just don't walk. No, not possible." Xiaoyu started to get hysterical.  
  
"You punched me in my funeral?" Heihachi furiously asked Kazuya.  
  
"Uh... I was trying to jump-start your heart and it worked didn't it?" Kazuya said nervously.  
  
"Good boy, here's five bucks." Heihachi said, patting Kazuya on the head as if he were a dog.  
  
"Cheap old bastard." Kazuya muttered under his breath.  
  
"All I want to know is, where is the free food? I'm starving over here and Julia is starting to look mighty tasty." Ganryu said. Julia shrieked and hid behind Jin.  
  
"One question Heihachi, why did you leave all your money to Unknown?" Jin asked curiously.  
  
"Actually it's a long story..." Heihachi began. He talked for about one hour. "...And that's why I left all my money to Unknown." Everyone was very pale, even the normally pale Hwoarang and he looked very scary.  
  
"So what do we do now?" Bryan asked after everyone's skin color went back to normal.  
  
"Party!" Nina exclaimed. Everyone applauded her idea except for Heihachi.  
  
"No partying! I am strongly against any type of fun for you people. I decided that we all..."

A/N: What did Heihachi decide? Ooh... the suspense. We won't write unless we get reviews.


	3. Oops

(A/N: This part is a parody of a movie. Guess the movie and you get a prize)

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"No partying! I am strongly against any type of fun for you people. I decided that we all... go on a road trip!" Heihachi exclaimed.

"You mean we have to sit in a car with this diaper-wearing, wrinkly, old man? Hell no!" Paul stated. Heihachi glared at him.

"Because of that comment, I will wear my thong for the entire road trip. So ha, ha in your face!" Heihachi stuck his tongue out at Paul. "I got a big bus and we'll be on the highway most of the time until we get to... um... somewhere."

"I have a better plan. We push you into the coffin and close it. Then we take your bus and go on a road trip, minus you." Kazuya said. Everyone (except Heihachi) vigorously nodded their heads.

"NO! You can't do this! I AM YOUR FATHER!" Heihachi yelled as Kazuya pushed him into the coffin. Kazuya pulled out a padlock and closed the coffin.

**[A while later, everyone is in the tour bus and driving around]**

"I don't like going places with the robot!" Christie complained pointing to Jack. "He's so loud and constantly needs oil!"

"Shut. Up. No. One. Wants. You. Here." Jack said in a robotic voice. "You. Ni..." Jack never had a chance to finish what he was going to say because the authors burst into the bus.

"I hate racism and racists! Therefore you must die." Chaos started to beat Jack over the head with a metal bat.

"I hate all the Jacks! I'm putting an end to you stupid robotic beings." Mai started to kick Jack's ass. In ten minutes, Jack was reduced to a pile of rubble and Chaos and Mai walked away.

"So anyway, where exactly are we going?" Julia asked, completely forgetting about what just happened.

"I don't know exactly." Jin said moving the steering wheel from side to side.

"_People, be warned! I have installed a bomb on this bus and if the speed goes lower than 50, it will explode. Also if anyone tries to get off the bus, it will explode. So, enjoy your trip!_" An eerie voice said over the intercom.

"I think I saw this on SPEED. I mean...we're all going to die!" Lee said running around and flailing his arms. Everyone started to scream and panic except for Jin.

"I'm taking control of this situation! Unknown, come here and hold the wheel while I look for the Mars bars." Jin said, letting go of the wheel. Unknown sat down and drove.

"Mars bars? How the hell is that supposed to help this situation?" Hwoarang asked handing Jin the box of Mars bars.

"People will eat them and pass out because I laced them with drugs. Then they will stop running around and pissing me off." Jin explained. Jin handed out the Mars bars and almost everyone was passed out.

"Okay, so what now?" Xiaoyu asked. Jin shrugged.

"As long as Unknown keeps driving over 50, we'll survive."

"The bus is running out of gas." Unknown said in an unusually calm tone of voice.

"Well I guess I have to go and deactivate the bomb seeing that I am the only one that knows how." Jin said yawning. "But first I'm going to have a Mars bar." Jin ate the chocolate bar and passed out.

"Does anyone here know how to deactivate the bomb?" Nina asked. Everyone that was awake shook their heads. "Okay, GET ME OFF THIS BUS!" Nina ran over to the doors and started banging on it.

"If you get off, we all die." Unknown said pulling Nina back.

"Who's controlling the bus?" Nina asked since Unknown was with her.

"Oops." Unknown said looking over to the speed meter. It quickly dropped down to 40.

(A/N: Did the bus explode? Review and find out!)


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